Monday 20 April 2009

Monday Morning Blues

I have always been a huge fan of liquor adverts. McDowell’s and its uber-lame ‘make-it-large’ series apart, most breweries come up with fantastic stuff to coerce the teetotalling millions into giving their principles a break. My all-time favourite is the Royal Challenge advert that was aired in the late ‘90s- the one where a guy practices his golf on a flight. He pulls off a fabulous putt and looks around hoping for applause, only to find his co-passengers in various stages of stupor. The world would be a far more wonderful place if only you could somehow pick your audience for each moment- you scratch your nose and every pair of eyes at Nesci looks on in disgust; later the same day, you score a stunning volley from 15 yards out with only the hapless goalkeeper and a couple of defenders in attendance.

I had my Royal Challenge moment earlier tonight, a tête-à-tête that I would have liked all and Kondy to overhear. It had all the makings of a highly forgettable conversation- I was into the last few minutes of a highly forgettable weekend, United had just lost to Everton and HOG and his threats of a back were still looming large on the horizon. I was hardly in the mood for any human contact, let alone three halfwits that proudly called themselves ‘True-Blues’. The next thirty minutes were a pleasant surprise- a reconfirmation of my constant accusation of Chel$ki being the embodiment of all things ugly in the beautiful game.

I never thought I could ever come to loathe anything more than Tutti-Frutti ice-cream and Liverpool FC. Then again, for all our hostility, there is an undeniable undercurrent of mutual respect in the Manc-Scouse rivalry. With Chel$ki, though, it is plainly a case of pure, unadulterated hatred. Strange, indeed, that only eight years ago, I eagerly looked forward to our trips to Stamford Bridge. Though never a fan, I really enjoyed watching the likes of Zola, Gronkjaer and Gudjohnsen play. Along came Abrahamovic with his oil. Chelsea would never be the same again. Nor would the Chelsea supporter. With the arrival of a bottomless bank account and an all-new squad, a new Chelsea supporter was born- one who did not mind the drab football Mourinho’s men played week after week as long as they brought (bought?) the silverware home. A Chelsea fan who turned up well in advance for the United-Porto game but leisurely sipped the Azad canteen’s heavenly mango shake fifteen minutes into his team’s own quarterfinal against Liverpool. One who spent hours cooking up lame Gtalk status messages, all on the recurrent theme of ‘I hate Man. United’ (Try this for creativity- ‘Roses are red, violets are blue; whatever you say, I’ll say F-U M.U.). A Blue who did not care how shamelessly Drogba dived as long as he won the all-important penalty. A Stamford Bridge where all in attendance believed that the end justified the means, no matter how many careers were ruined along the way.

Tonight’s result left me gutted. Fingers will be raised as they indeed should be. Everton were by far the hungrier of the two sides. While Moyes rattled off instructions to his players minutes before the shootout, Fergie seemed to be asking Macheda what flavor of ice-cream he wanted for dinner. Even so, the kids did us proud; our youth squad tore apart the side that stands sixth on the league table, with nothing to show for it. The situation I faced was a hopeless one, though. How do you explain the importance of a youth academy to three ‘die-hard’ Chelsea fans? How do you make them understand that not every club bought all its players from West Ham and some still believed in grooming home-grown talent? How do you tell them that every player started off at a youth academy, gained experience, peaked and turned thirty before joining a club like Chelsea? Exasperated, I tried another argument. I asked them about Maniche, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Steve Sidwell and dozens of other talented players who were bought at the prime of their careers, only to be discarded a year or two later, no more than shadows of the players they were on arrival at the Bridge. ‘What have you got to say about Andriy Shevchenko?’ I asked them. ‘Or Carlo Cuducini?’ ‘Just three words,’ replied True Blue-I. ‘Manchester United sucks.’

I rest my case.

14 comments:

Sushant said...

You were brave enough! I couldnt have stood in front of Joey for more than 5 minutes yesterday! Luckily for him as well as me I reached the bhawan quite late....
Man! Football shouldnt be this serious but some people are getting on my nerves!!!!

Saagar said...

It wasn't "I rest my case"
It was "I wrest my case"
In the end, the Chel$ki fan should ask himself one question- do you love Chelshit more than you hate United? That would them an idea of why Man U can inspire someone to say "for Manchester United" while giving up his life, albeit in movies, while the best Chel$ki can come up with is Abhishek Bachchan in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom.
In the end, it would be prudent to remember that CSKA London are perhaps the only team whose players brawl amongst themselves on the pitch. They're the only team where 2 strikers cannot play with each other, let alone complement one another. And they're easily the only team which will have the dubious distinction of ending more careers than starting them.

Anonymous said...

God, you Man U guys hate Chel$ki far more than they hate you.....I am no Blues fan myself, but I am seriously starting to hate both ManU and Blues fans. The closest comparison I can make is that of Austria and Serbia during WW-1.

Anonymous said...

@Sushi
It is at times like these that I curse my room's central location- every Scouse/Arse/Rentboy within a half-mile radius is at my door five minutes after a United defeat.

@Lefty
Well said da. And Abhishek Bachchan a Chelshit supporter? Sigh. Another reason for me to despise my namesake.

@Rapu
Read Lefty's comment. We don't walk all the way from jawahar to Azad simply to boo Chel$ki. Seriously, the only reason I even keep track of their results is because they pose a threat to us in the Premiership. I wouldn't stop myself from applauding a Michael Ballack pass simply because he wore a blue jersey. Even if our places were reversed, I wouldn't put up 'Quintuple down in the dumps.... Yippeeeeeeeee' as my status message.

Ah, forget it. Football was never meant for dinosaurs.

Murty said...

I got three pings from three different Chel$hit fans after our 4-0 win over Fulham in the Cup. All saying (yawn) "Man U sucks". Rapu, this post isn't about just United vs. Chelsea. It's about human feelings and understanding & appreciating the beautiful game.

Karthik Vaidyanath said...

Its election fever and you've been watching too many election campaigns A.K.A(pun intended) hate speeches.

Anirudh Arun said...

@ All United fans,

I'd pray u leave me out of these accusations. A 'true-blue' does not, as I've already said, hate ManU! If thats a prerequisite, then maybe I'm not the 'true-blue' u ppl speak about.

@ Dela,

My status was - 'And there go the quintuple dreams'; Susaant's was - 'Quintuple dreams shattered!' How does that mean I hate ManU and Susaant loves the team??

I agree with Rapu though... It ought not to get this low and dirty! For god's sake, please.

Anonymous said...

Glory Glory Man United!!!

Arun said...

This humble sophomore seeks permission to enter the debate...

The question is not about hating Chelsea and supporting United. Bluntly put, United are way better the the Blues; the 3-0 defeat late last year is still fresh in our minds. United remains the best club in the world, though recent form may suggest otherwise. No other team can play so well even after substituting 6 of its frontliners.
I assure you Kondy, bashing up a rival team just bacause we lost isn't something I'll ever be guilty of. As I've often said, credit should be given where its due... and the Blue Brigade is on a high right now.

@ Dela
Under this unrelenting glare of the sun so high
What are we but tiny specks of life
Fighting over things so mundane
When for peace we must strive?

@ All ManU fans
We're too awesome. We will be back. Amen.

Anonymous said...

@Kondy
As much as I hate your bald head, you are one of the saner C$KA London fans I've known, probably the sanest. Neither the post nor my status message were directed at you. There are others in this part of the insti who aren't the all-knowing true-blues you speak of. It was the Joeys and the Dhyanis of the world that the post was meant for. Now stop whining about your pitiful excuse for a football club and get back to formatting the mag.

@Arun
For a few fleeting moments, I was wondering who MK was. Your comment left me without a shred of doubt.

And yes, we will be back.

Bihari Potter said...

The score is 2-2. The situation looks gloomy as we enter the stoppage time. Will we lose further ground in the Premier League title race?? In steps a 17-year old making his first team debut to carve his own place in history. A curler to the far post is all it takes for FREDERICO MACHEDA to become another feather in the hallowed cap that is Manchester United.
To all Chel$ki fans I ask: When was the last time your club had a moment of such vivid romanticism that it was hard to control your emotional gates from breaking down? When was the last time a Chelsea manager had the guts to do away with one's established superstars in order to brood a flock that would be immortalized in football history as his Fledglings?
I too, like Dela, wrest my case.. no wait wrest our case..
P.S. "BELIEVE"

Anonymous said...

I never said you guys are not true supporters of the Red Devils. All I am saying is that this blog post, and a few others, show that fans have lost sight of the reason they support a club, or fester a rivalry. I love football, but the truth is, I never followed club football till I got here. I respect the traits of every club, and understand the fervour with which you Red Devils follow the rise of a truly great team. I can't say as much about Chelsea, but I do find it more than just mildly annoying that you can post on this subject with almost no idea about why the True Blues exist. As you said, a large part of ManU fans are Glory supporters. Yet you stick by your club. If Chelsea fan base is also composed of a large percentage of bad eggs, I hardly think any other club has the right to accuse them all of being less than loyal. And I do not find it fair that anyone judge how a team builds up its match winning squad. Sure, these clubs are meant to inculcate football in England. While this gives you every right to be proud of your own club (take a bow, SAF), it does not give you the right to find fault in the system that other teams use. And if people are getting this serious, all I can infer is that the game is taking a big blow. Sure, you can appreciate a Ballack score. But can you respect your opponent? That's the only fair question at the end of the day.

Jose mourinho said...

THEY CHEAT! dive dive dive! Terry got the ball, the player broke his own leg. I am the Special One.

Anonymous said...

@Jose
True. The sucking up apart, I still wouldn't like to see you replacing Fergie.

@Rapu
For all the talk about United fans being glory supporters, where were the true-blues before Mourinho brought back-to-back league titles to the Bridge?

Chel$ki's policy of player-shopping is perfectly within the rules alright. But if I believe such a policy makes them the football equivalent of a brothel, that is my personal opinion. And I will go ahead and say it on my blog. It's a free country da.